Peeta's recovery
by nataliewrites
Summary: Peeta's recovering from his hijacking from the Capitol. Katniss is being taken care of Greasy Sae.
1. Chapter 1

"I can't _do this _alone" I choke on my words as I yell at Greasy Sae. She looks surprised- it's the first words I have spoken in well over a week, but who's counting. Instead of saying anything, she gently tries to touch my arm and coax more tea into my hand. "you know- you aren't alo-" she stops mid sentence. It must be from the glare I give her. She knows she isn't the company I need. The company I need has all been taken away from me, in one way or another.

"I'll be in the kitchen" and I think I hear her sigh heavily on the way out. Guilt is an alien emotion to me.

I look out the window, staring at a squirrel that runs across the grass, gleefully. And just as fast as I noticed the squirrel, I feel my heart ache in such a way I think it will explode. Gale. Prim. Peeta. I can't take this anymore. I close my eyes, trying to focus on the blackness behind my eyelids. This only makes me think of my father. Every time we were forced to watch something Capitol related on our tiny television, my father would joke "I would rather watch the back of my eyelids!" then I would giggle the way a little girl does, and he would pick me up and sit me in his lap.

I shake the memories away. Until today, my brain was barely functioning; I couldn't think in full sentences. But now my thoughts are clear, and so are the painful aches that stab at everything in my being. I'm not grateful. I want to go back to the nothingness that consumed me for weeks.

I stand up from my rocking chair, another shocking action, and walk slowly into the kitchen. Moving this much feels odd. I almost need to try to remember. Left, right, left right. Sae just cooked something that smells awful. I don't bother to look, I still have no appetite anyways.

She half turns to look at me, then continues to look out the small window above the stove. "Peeta looks like he is improving." She says hesitantly. I almost fall over from hearing his name. "Really?" The word doesn't even come out as my voice, it sounds more like an old man who has worked in the coal mines all his life. I walk to the window as fast as I can, which isn't fast. Peeta looks stronger, healthier, and himself. So much like himself I almost forget what state of mind he's in.

_She's a MUTT_ the back of my mind yells. Tears threaten to pour out of my eyes. I watch Peeta. He is carrying a large bag of flour into his house, without much struggle. I watch his hands for a while, remembering the way he used to caress my face. All those nights he held me on the train. The day on the roof. For a second, these memories bring a glint of happiness. Then, just as fast as it came, it left. Replacing happiness was nostalgia.

He glances at the window and an odd noise leaves my mouth and I jump out of sight. He can't see me like this! When was the last time I showered? Then I realize how foolish I am being. He doesn't care what I look like. To him, I will always be a hideous mutt. My chest feels heavy and I suddenly have an urge to go back to my bedroom, which is new, because I haven't been up there since I have arrived home.

It takes a long time to get up the stairs, as I suspected, and by the time I reach the top, I am out of breath. I walk towards my door and slowly open it. It looks clean. Sae cleans the dust out almost every day, hoping I will get the motivation to go up the stairs and sleep in my own bed. I still don't see this house as a home, though. I find myself at the window, searching for Peeta. He must be inside. I see faint smoke coming from his chimney. I watch it for several minutes, blank, then hear Sae lean on the door frame, "Kat" she pauses, "you should try and talk to Peeta" she eyes me carefully, "I really think he-"

"I don't want to set myself up for so much disappointment." I interrupt. Knowing my words are true, that he is forever changed.

"It's worth a shot." She doesn't wait for my response. She leaves me with my thoughts. I sit on the bed with a sigh. Then the sobs come. I don't know why I am crying. I am just tired. Tired of being sad. Tired of knowing that the Capitol still controls me.

I look at my reflection, but I don't see myself. I see a pale, disgusting, younger, yet somehow older version of me. My hair is falling out in patches, my nails are nonexistent, and my skin looks as if you could scrap off the dirt with a spoon.

I hear Greasy Sae walking up the stairs, probably to give me food I don't want, and before I can even see her, I say "The Capitol is going to stop controlling me now." I sound more scared then I intended, but I meant what I said. She waits for a follow up response. I don't say anything. I just keep looking at myself. "Darling, they don't control you. You are free from them" she says as calmly as her raspy voice allows her to. I don't know exactly how to explain what I mean. "I just- I need to bathe. I need to breathe fresh air." I say more for myself than for her. If I say it out loud, maybe this time I will actually follow through. Something sparks in her eyes and I can tell she's relieved I haven't gone mad. But I already have.

She helps me undress and get into the warm bath water. I look at my bare body, and I can count my every rib. I look like a child; how I did back when I couldn't hunt. I can't look at myself anymore. I lower myself into the bath, and Greasy Sae asks me if I will be okay, I nod, and she leaves me to myself.

The water feels silky against my dry, rough skin. I go under water and imagine myself at the lake. I stay under until my lungs can't take it anymore. I like it better under the water. It's silent; calming. Slowly but surely I wash my hair with shampoo, and conditioner. I scrub my body with soap, and then I try to clear my mind. I end up falling asleep- It's no surprise though, due to all the movement I've done today. When I wake up, the water is cool. I get a towel and look in the mirror again. I look better. "You don't own me anymore" I whisper to the fallen Capitol, that now exists only in my head. "You never did."

When I wake up the next morning, I feel like a different person. Aside from the dull ache in my heart that I have adjusted to, I almost feel like I could do something, leave the house maybe. So I decide, I will. The thought of real meat makes my appetite come back, and I know that I will attempt to go hunting. Today, when Greasy Sae offers me oatmeal, I don't decline it.

"I'm leaving." I tell her, even though she isn't my mother, she has the right to know where I am. "oh." She says, trying hard to be nonchalant-she doesn't succeed.

After changing into my fathers hunting jacket, I leave the house. It's a chilly September day. I breathe in as much sweet oxygen as my lungs allow. I have two choices- walk past Peeta's house, or go the complete opposite way. I decide I would rather take my chances that Peeta has no weapons, and walk past his house. _Haymitch wouldn't allow weapons right? Then again.. _My thoughts are disrupted by the sound of Peeta's door opening. He's humming. I stop dead in my tracks. He looks at me and halts as well. I see an inner struggle while looking in his blue eyes. At first, he looks vicious, angry, then his face slowly loosens up and he puts one hand in his pocket, and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. He whispers something to himself and goes back inside. I stare at the closed door long after he's gone.

Hunting was a failure. My feet are far too loud, and my body is not adjusted to the twists and turns of the woods. I am walking in circles. I have no idea where I am. How have I lost myself in the one place I used to know like the back of my hand? Is that part of myself gone? I can't focus on getting out of the woods as much as the searing pain in my abdominal. Dragging my feet with my body bent forward, in pain, I go no where. I fall over from the pain. I try to yell for help, but why would it matter? No one is out here. I grit my teeth and let out a loud groan of pain that escaped me. This goes on for what feels like a few hours when I'm starting to black out and I see a pair of feet next to my head, then knees leaning down beside me. Peeta.

I don't have enough energy to express the shock I feel. I just look at him with my eyes and mouth wide open. He looks confused. He doesn't know what to do. I don't either. He's going to kill me. I know he is. This is his chance to kill the mutt.

Instead he says "I guess I should take you home now… Katniss?" He says my name like a question. He pauses, then his steady arms swoop me up in one, quick motion. Pain, and more pain. My head is buried in his chest and I can feel his heart racing. As it turns out, I was just around the corner from being out of the woods. The thought almost makes me laugh. But I don't.

Peeta looks down at me, and his blue eyes are soft, empathetic. "Peeta," I manage to get out in the form of a whisper. "You'll be okay" He says, but his voice isn't sincere. I can see the confusion in his eyes, struggling to identify me. _Friend? Or foe? _I read from his eyes. Peeta was never that hard for me to read anyways.

We arrive on my doorstep, and by this time, I feel a lot better, but I don't tell him that. I realized how much I missed human contact- even if it isn't exactly his choice. Greasy Sae opens the door and looks worried "Are you okay Katniss?" She looks at Peeta, "Hi, Peeta" She says nicely. "She's having abdominal pains, she should lie down" Peeta says. It's _his_ voice. It's Peeta. It's _my _Peeta... Somewhere in there.

"Thank you for saving me, Peeta" I say after he lays me in my bed. "You're…you're welcome" He finally gets out. For a moment, we look at each other, both unsure what to do.

Hesitantly, he reaches out and touches my cheek. His hands smell like fresh bread. "That's what we do.. We protect each other, real or not real?" For the first time, he smiles, knowing it's not the first time he said that. Tears jerk at my eyes and all I can do is nod my head. It's still not Peeta. And I know that. But this is all I have left to hold on to, so I cling, and I savor every moment that his warm hand lightly touches my face.


	2. Chapter 2

I look at my reflection, but I don't see myself. I see a pale, disgusting, younger, yet somehow older version of me. My hair is falling out in patches, my nails are nonexistent, and my skin looks as if you could scrap off the dirt with a spoon. I hear Greasy Sae walking up the stairs, probably to give me food I don't want, and before I can even see her, I say "The Capitol is going to stop controlling me now." I sound more scared then I intended, but I meant what I said. She waits for a follow up response. I don't say anything. I just keep looking at myself. "Darling, they don't control you. You are free from them" she says as calmly as her raspy voice allows her to. I don't know exactly how to explain what I mean. "I just— I need to bathe. I need to breathe fresh air." I say more for myself than for her. If I say it out loud, maybe this time I will actually follow through. Something sparks in her eyes and I can tell she's relieved I haven't gone mad. But I already have.

She helps me undress and get into the warm bath water. I look at my bare body, and I can count my every rib. I look like a child; how I did back when I couldn't hunt. I can't look at myself anymore. I lower myself into the bath, and Greasy Sae asks me if I will be okay, I nod, and she leaves me to myself. The water feels silky against my dry, rough skin. I go under water and imagine myself at the lake. I stay under until my lungs can't take it anymore. I like it better under the water. It's silent; calming. Slowly but surely I wash my hair with shampoo, and conditioner. I scrub my body with soap, and then I try to clear my mind. I end up falling asleep- It's no surprise though, due to all the movement I've done today. When I wake up, the water is cool. I get a towel and look in the mirror again. I look better. "You don't own me anymore" I whisper to the fallen Capitol, that now exists only in my head. "You never did."

When I wake up the next morning, I feel like a different person. Aside from the dull ache in my heart that I have adjusted to, I almost feel like I could do something, leave the house maybe. So I decide, I will. The thought of real meat makes my appetite come back, and I know that I will attempt to go hunting. Today, when Greasy Sae offers me oatmeal, I don't decline it. "I'm leaving." I tell her, even though she isn't my mother, she has the right to know where I am. "oh." She says, trying hard to be nonchalant-she doesn't succeed.

After changing into my fathers hunting jacket, I leave the house. It's a chilly September day. I breathe in as much sweet oxygen as my lungs allow. I have two choices- walk past Peeta's house, or go the complete opposite way. I decide I would rather take my chances that Peeta has no weapons, and walk past his house. _Haymitch wouldn't allow weapons right? Then again.._ My thoughts are disrupted by the sound of Peeta's door opening. He's humming. I stop dead in my tracks. He looks at me and halts as well. I see an inner struggle while looking in his blue eyes. At first, he looks vicious, angry, then his face slowly loosens up and he puts one hand in his pocket, and rubs the back of his neck with his free hand. He whispers something to himself and goes back inside. I stare at the closed door long after he's gone.

Hunting was a failure. My feet are far too loud, and my body is not adjusted to the twists and turns of the woods. I am walking in circles. I have no idea where I am. How have I lost myself in the one place I used to know like the back of my hand? Is that part of myself gone? I can't focus on getting out of the woods as much as the searing pain in my abdominal. Dragging my feet with my body bent forward, in pain, I go no where. I fall over from the pain. I try to yell for help, but why would it matter? No one is out here. I grit my teeth and let out a loud groan of pain that escaped me. This goes on for what feels like a few hours when I'm starting to black out and I see a pair of feet next to my head, then knees leaning down beside me. Peeta.

I don't have enough energy to express the shock I feel. I just look at him with my eyes and mouth wide open. He looks confused. He doesn't know what to do. I don't either. He's going to kill me. I know he is. This is his chance to kill the mutt. Instead he says "I guess I should take you home now… Katniss?" He says my name like a question. He pauses, then his steady arms swoop me up in one, quick motion. Pain, and more pain. My head is buried in his chest and I can feel his heart racing. As it turns out, I was just around the corner from being out of the woods. The thought almost makes me laugh. But I don't.

Peeta looks down at me, and his blue eyes are soft, empathetic. "Peeta," I manage to get out in the form of a whisper. "You'll be okay" He says, but his voice isn't sincere. I can see the confusion in his eyes, struggling to identify me._Friend? Or foe?_ I read from his eyes. Peeta was never that hard for me to read anyways.

We arrive on my doorstep, and by this time, I feel a lot better, but I don't tell him that. I realized how much I missed human contact— even if it isn't exactly his choice. Greasy Sae opens the door and looks worried "Are you okay Katniss?" She looks at Peeta, "Hi, Peeta" She says nicely. "She's having abdominal pains, she should lie down" Peeta says. It's _his_ voice. It's Peeta. It's _my_ Peeta… Somewhere in there.

"Thank you for saving me, Peeta" I say after he lays me in my bed. "You're…you're welcome" He finally gets out. For a moment, we look at each other, both unsure what to do. Hesitantly, he reaches out and touches my cheek. His hands smell like fresh bread. "That's what we do.. We protect each other, real or not real?" For the first time, he smiles, knowing it's not the first time he said that. Tears jerk at my eyes and all I can do is nod my head. It's still not Peeta. And I know that. But this is all I have left to hold on to, so I cling, and I savor every moment that his warm hand lightly touches my face.


	3. Chapter 3

I wake up the next morning with my hand on the cheek Peeta touched the day before. I smile a little, feeling like a giddy little girl. It's one of the first happy emotions I have felt in months-maybe even more. And in that moment, I know for sure that Peeta is the only way I will ever be happy. That is of course, if I can get him back.

I get up slowly, and my muscles are sore from walking so much yesterday. I think of the days when I would be outside with Gale. Climbing trees, chasing animals, running throughout the woods, and I miss it. I used to be _happy_, even without all these nice things in my victor's village- I had the people I loved. Now I have no one. All I have is the hope of Peeta. I will continue to cling to the string of hope, I promise myself, otherwise, I will go mad.

I find a sweater in a soft shade of orange that Greasy Sae knitted me and throw it on. It's not a beautiful, quality knitted sweater, but it reminds me of Peeta, so I wear it.

"Hi Greasy Sae," I say, in a flat voice. I don't want her to think I'm too happy. Because the truth is- I'm not. I just found something that might help me get out of my fog, just a little bit. "Hello Katniss," she smiles.

"I think I'm going to listen to your advice," I say while grabbing some cold toast. She lifts her eyebrows at me. "I want to try to talk to Peeta, but I don't know if it will work and I…" my voice trails off at the realization that odds are, Peeta won't come back to me.

I shake the thought away and look up and meet eyes with Greasy Sae. "So, I'm going out now," I say while biting my toast and turning around "Good luck darling," she says in a voice just above a whisper. On the little mirror on the left of the wall to the exit of the kitchen, I see her face flood with relief, and a smile tugs on her lips. I smile a little, too.

As I walk outside, I realize I don't have a plan. So I start out with pacing the earth back and forth, back and forth. This goes on for a while, and my mind is still blank. I heave a heavy sigh and sit on my front porch.

_Prim would have advice for me_, I think. She always did, despite her young age, she was wiser than me with some things. I look up at the cloudy sky, with an ache in my heart and oddly enough, no tears in my eyes. I think I'm all cried out.

I stare at the sky until I hear a door open and close. Peeta! I whip my head to look, but it's not Peeta. It's Haymitch. Oh well, he will have to do.

"Haymitch!" I call. He looks confused and of course, drunk. So I walk over to him and decide that I shouldn't talk to him in Peeta's yard, and drag him by the arm into mine.

"Hey Sweetheart…you're manhandling me," he slurrs.

"Yeah, yeah" I say and sit him down on a rocking chair. "How are you?" I ask, but not really concerned about the answer- I just want to know about Peeta.

"Well, I got liquor don't I?" He smiles, "I'm_ fantastic_". He's being sarcastic, as always, but I ignore it.

"Great!" I pause for a little bit, scared of the answer for my next question. "So how's Peeta?" I ask, leaning in.

"You know what I think?" He says, leaning in as well, mocking me, "I think the Capitol made him a better cook. I should really thank them!" He laughs. It's not funny at all.

"Very funny, sweetheart." I say, and force a small laugh. All I really want to do is knock him in the jaw. "But really… Has he said anything about me?" Hoping for a serious answer.

"He said you're kind of pretty for a mutt," he says while draining the rest of his liquor into his mouth. "So I guess you could say he's lying a little more than he used to."

"Can't you ever be serious?" I hiss. He taps his chin, trying to look thoughtful, acting as if he is pondering this, and then shakes his head. "Nope!" and for whatever reason, he found this even funnier then his last joke, and laughs even harder.

"Get off my porch, you're acting like a child" I demand.

"Oh, at least I didn't lock myself in my house for seven months," he spits back, "It's not like it's the end of the world that your sister died." He pauses, waiting for a reaction, "get over it!"

I'm at a loss for words, I can't even breathe. Rage fills me up inside. As he stands up, I kick him off the porch with one foot to the chest. He's so drunk he didn't see it coming. His body hits the ground with a loud thump. He should be ashamed. I haven't done anything requiring physical activity in months. He may as well have been beat up by an eleven year old.

I run off the porch and go behind Peeta's house, behind a bush and suddenly I am doubled over, sobbing. How could Haymitch be so cruel? I punch the ground with my fist and it sends a pain up my arm. I don't care. I don't care. I don't care.

"Katniss?" a confused voice says.

"Pee-" I choke on his name, embarrassed. "Peeta, I- I'm sorry.." I stand up quickly, wiping my cheeks.

"You didn't used to cry much… real or not real?" He steps closer to me.

"Real." I nod. "Very real."

He returns the nod and says "I thought so." we make long, confused eye contact. "You can come in… if you want"

"Thanks," I step towards his back door. "I don't want to go deal with drunken Haymitch passed out in my front yard." I add. Peeta doesn't ask, which is good, because I don't feel like explaining.

His house smells of bread. I feel a little uncomfortable, and Peeta obviously does as well. He stands at an awkward distance from me with his hands in his pockets.

"I uh, I have some cheese buns." He looks at me, scanning my face, looking for any threatening movement, I assume. "they're your favorite.. Real or not real?"

I smile a little bit, realizing my facial expressions probably haven't been doing much to convince him I'm not a mutt. "Real."

"Come on to the kitchen then," He waves me toward the kitchen and walks in front of me.

The smell is even stronger here. My mouth waters at the thought of his cheese buns. I haven't eaten anything as good as them in a long time.

"I'll heat them up for you." He says. I feel so bad for him in this moment. He doesn't know how to place me. He is so, terribly confused. I bite my lip, trying not to think about his time spent in the Capitol's custody.

Peeta starts talking about microwaves, and how they work, and how they are so much better then what he used to have to use back at his bakery. I nod like I'm listening, but I know he is only babbling on about this because he is nervous and doesn't know what else to talk about.

"Mmm" I exhale as I bite into my cheese bun. Haymitch was right… He is even better then he used to be. Ugh. Haymitch. Peeta forces a smile and asks if I like them. "They're perfect," I say while meeting his eyes. His beautiful blue eyes.

"So, where have you been the past few months?" He asks. His voice sounds familiar, old. "I… I have been at my house" He looks a little surprised. But I can see why- you would never know I was home. I never moved or spoke or made much noise, for that matter.

"Have you been…okay?" He asks sympathetically. I shake my head no, and look down. "No.. not at all." My words hang in the air for a while and I feel him looking at me.

"Katniss I don't know how I feel about you." He rubs his forehead. "I look at you, and my brain says no, but my heart feels something for you.. Deep down I know that you aren't a mutt… I do. I really do. But fighting with your own mind is harder than it sounds." He chokes on the last few words.

I walk closer to him and rest my hand on his arm. He flinches a little bit, but keeps looking at me. "I know you're the same, Peeta. You're the same one I used to know. You're in there." He nods and I crave an embrace from him. "Please Peeta." I beg.

"We will figure this out together, okay?" He wraps his big arms around me and I bury my head in his chest. Happiness explodes inside of me and I want to be closer, so much closer.

We stand there like that for quite a while, both silently crying, both confused, both holding on to each other, both holding onto our only hope.


	4. Chapter 4

"Katniss?" Peeta finally breaks the silence. We have been sitting in the kitchen for half an hour trying to pull ourselves together and figure out what to do, having him with his hijacked brain, yet the will to still be with me.

I respond by locking eye contact with him. I keep trying to be careful what faces I make, or what I say- I know that anything can tip him off and make him lunge at me. I put my trust in him, though, when I came into his house.

"I think that the best option right now.. While I'm recovering from whatever this is," he says while motioning to his brain, "Move in with me." He eyes my face searching for an answer. I can't help but notice that the sparkle in his pale blue eyes are gone. It makes me want to cry. Then again, everything makes me want to cry.

I nod and smile. "Of course, Peeta." He looks relieved, then confused, then shakes whatever thought he was thinking away.

I go get my stuff at my house, tell Greasy Sae that she is welcome to stay at my house, considering hers is super dingy and small, and she happily accepts the invitation, telling me that she is only one house away if I need her. The hint was subtle, but I got it. "If Peeta goes mad again and tries to kill you, I'm here," she may as well had said.

I knock on Peeta's door before realizing how dumb it was. He comes and welcomes me inside before saying, "It's your house too, now, Katniss. Come in as you please."

"Have you eaten?" Peeta asks while looking through his pantry. "No, not today" I say, not realizing that to most people that would sound weird. I haven't had appetite for the past seven months; it's become the new norm for me.

Peeta looks at me funny, then adds "Well then we better get some food into you!" He smiles, and I melt. Oh, how I have missed that smile.

He makes something that I have never tried before, it's called lasagna. It quickly becomes my favorite meal. "Back when we still owned the bakery," he pauses to take a sip of water, "this was my favorite thing to make. But we hardly ever had the money and so I would just make cakes most of the time." He looks at my clean plate and smiles. "Glad you liked it. More?"

"No, I would probably get sick. I haven't eaten much since…" my voice trails off, and I am unwilling to finish my sentence.

Peeta's eyes look softer than earlier and he reaches out and touches my hand. His movements are robotic- like he has to force every muscle to move the way they do. But he's trying, and that's all that matters.

"Katniss I'm sorry." He says, his voice low. "About everything. You," he stops and squeezes his eyes together for a moment, trying to remember what he was going to say. "You didn't deserve this. No one deserves this." His words are forced. It's obvious how hard he has to try to be nice to me. I am so thankful for that.

"Well what about you, Peeta?" I say, "You didn't deserve this," I lightly touch his temple, referring to what the Capitol did. My eyes well up with tears, "You don't even remember anything about us-" I choke on my words, _why can't I talk anymore?_ I scold myself.

He looks down for a while. Then up to me, "Could you tell me about us?" He asks, quietly.

"You were my best friend. I didn't appreciate you like I should have, but you were. You were the only one who could fight off my nightmares, simply by being there. You accepted who I was as a person, and I didn't deserve it… I don't deserve it. You, I mean, I don't deserve you at all…" I look up at the ceiling, wishing I was better at explaining my feelings.

"You were always a better talker then I was, well, then I am. You were better than me in every way, actually…" Suddenly, I remember the bread. "You saved my life, Peeta." He looks confused. "You gave me bread when I was on life's edge." Memories flash across my brain of that stormy night.

Peeta nods and looks off into the distance. "So that's what happened." He sounds actually relieved. "I thought, well the Capitol made me think you broke into the bakery and stole everything but, I believe you." He says while locking eyes with me.

I shake my head, astonished. "You are the most amazing person who ever lived, Peeta." He responds, "The only reason I am able to do this, is not because of me, but because of you." His eyes fill with tears, as do mine.

"I, uh, should clean this up." He gets up and walks into the kitchen, ignoring the plates, and instead of cleaning the kitchen he paces the floor running his fingers through his hair, threatening to rip it all out.

I let out a defeated sigh. This is hard. This is all so hard. But I know it must be that much harder for Peeta.

We're a basket case couple. I'm battling my emotions, and he's battling his brain. But we are each other's only hope. That's the only thing I know for sure.


	5. Chapter 5

I woke up in mid-panic, screaming from my nightmares. "No! Please, Prim, Prim.. Please!" I quickly sat up and buried my face into my hands and screamed, and cried, and welcomed the pain that followed like an old friend. I let the sobs control the movement of my body while I curled in a tight ball and tried to let all my pain and anger out.

"WHY PRIM?" I yelled into my sheets. "WHY WASN'T IT ME?!" At least, that's what I think I yelled. The words were not audible. I dwelled in the first outburst I have had in months for what seemed like hours.

"Katniss?" I heard from outside my door. Suddenly, I remembered where I was. I agreed to live with Peeta so we could help each other sort things out. I didn't answer. Mostly because I couldn't form words.

The door opened quickly, and Peeta looked like he just woke up, and he looked terrified. "Katniss!" He shouted. For a moment, I thought, _Maybe he will go crazy. Maybe he will kill me. That wouldn't be so bad._ But the look in his eyes isn't crazed with anger, they are crazed with confusion.

"Are-Are you okay?" He stepped a little closer, lowering his voice, loud enough to hear, but soft enough to sound concerned. I shook my head and felt a tear go down my cheek, followed by a loud gasping sound, caused by my oxygen deprived lungs.

Slowly but surely he came and joined me on the bed. And, slowly but surely he placed his hand on my back. He whispered sweet shhh's and listened to me cry for a few minutes and rubbed my back, straightened my hair. His presence, I realized, is what I was longing for. He did not make the pain go away, but he fought some of it off.

"We don't have to talk about it." He said quietly. Even with his hijacked brain, he still knew me better than anyone else. It made no sense to me.

I considered taking his offer, and not discussing my nightmares, but I knew if I wanted to gain his trust, and take a step in the right direction of healing, I had to talk about it.

I sighed a big sigh and sat up straighter. Not ready to look at him yet, I stared intently at the wall, as if I was going to have a conversation with it. "It was Prim." I said quietly. "Why, why, why did she have to.." I couldn't say it. I bit my lip and he said "I know, I know."

"It was a happy dream, at first.." I stopped for a moment, wishing the dream ended there. "We were gathering plants, milking her goat, not talking much, but it was so peaceful." This part of the dream was one of my favorite parts of spring, back before I was reaped. That feels like eternities ago. I am not anywhere near the same person I was then. The memories of this flooded my brain, and for a moment, I felt better. But then I looked over at Peeta, his eyes asking me to go on, so I did.

"Then, I saw aircrafts in the distance." I started shaking violently, and Peeta moved closer to me and put his hand back on my shoulder. "When they passed, they dropped bombs all around Prim, not on her, but around her. Then she yelled for me, 'Save me! Please! Katniss!' and my feet were stuck to the ground and I couldn't move a muscle and-" I noticed I had started crying again and had to take a breather. I wanted to get this over with. "Suddenly, a bomb fell too close to her, and she went flying." I squeezed my eyes shut at the thought. "Only then could I move, and when I got to her, she was bleeding out, and her bones were broken from the fall, and she looked at me and said 'This is all your fault, I'm dying Katniss, and IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT!'" I let out a racked sob and laid down.

"It is my fault!" I yelled. "If I was just there and if I-"

Peeta cut me off before I could finish my sentence. "Hey, hey. Katniss. No. Okay, no. I will not let you say that. None of this is your fault. None of it. It was all out of your control." His voice sounds like his voice. Like he never had been hijacked. In that moment, it gave me hope.

I sat up and looked at him. "Why aren't you as broken as I am?" I asked. "This war affected all of us. I mean, look at you. You don't even remember me the way you should. Your family is gone, and we both have no idea what we are going to do"

He considered this for a moment. Nodded his head. "I am trying to hold on to the hope of tomorrow." He said simply.

I didn't know how to reply to that, and luckily I didn't have to, because he then asked. "Didn't you tell me I used to fight off your nightmares?"

I then made eye contact with him, knowing where he was going with this. "Yeah. Every night on the train and in The Capitol." He looked confused, but didn't bother to ask about it.

"Then come to my room." He offered.

My heart jumped a little. "Are you sure? You could-"

"I'm positive. No use in us living in the same house if we aren't going to room together." He forced a smile.

"Well, okay." I nodded. "Yeah."

He took my hand and lead me to his room. "It's 4 in the morning…Do you think we can fall asleep for a few hours?" He asked while we walked in there.

"Yeah, I'm exhausted." I said, and faked a yawn. I wasn't tired, really. Crying and screaming tends to wake you up, but I decided he needed the sleep more than I do. I'm used to my thoughts keeping me up at night.

He got in his large bed and patted the sheets next to him. "I won't bite." He said before he laid down. A scenario popped in my head of him choking me in the middle of the night, but I decided I would rather die trying to fix our relationship than go and face my nightmares again.

I got in his cold bed and he started to turn to go shut off his lamp, but then turned back to me and asked, "So, how did we used to do this?" He asked, shyly.

I smiled a small smile and said, "Well I would lay like this…" I said and slowly placed my head on his chest, along with my hand resting on his stomach. "And you…" I said while wrapping his large arms around me, "had your arms like this."

His heart was beating abnormally fast, and I guess mine was too. The familiarity of this position made me crave the past, when I didn't have to explain what were and what we did to him.

"Comfortable." He whispered. He shut off the lamp with a movement of his arm, and pulled the covers over us.

"G'night" He slurred, obviously very tired.

"Hey, Peeta?" I whispered back.

"Hmm?"

"Thank you."

"You are welcome."

He rubbed my arm with his thumb in lazy circles for a few minutes before he fell asleep.

I paid attention to his breath intakes and the rise and fall of his chest for the longest time. Admiring his familiar smell of hand soap and kitchen ingredients. I slowly moved my hand on his chest and abdomen, remembering the way he felt under my soft touch. Slowly, I made my hand up to his face, careful not to wake or scare him. I felt his cheeks, laced with scrubby facial hair on the sides, and on his chin. I remembered how soft his skin always was; like silk. Lastly, I made my way to his lips. I touched them softly and thought about all the kisses we shared. Not all were genuine on my part, but they were always genuine on his. I longed for one of those kisses now, from his soft, pink lips.

I imagined all of our happy memories for a while, and it was the most peaceful moment I have had in months. I slowly drifted into a deep sleep, and by Peeta's presence, didn't wake up until the sun was shining through our window.


	6. Chapter 6

I wake up the next morning in a familiar position. Me wrapped around Peeta's strong body. Although I'm terrified of what will happen when he wakes up, I savor these moments where his body heat radiates onto me. It has been so long since I have felt another person's body heat on me that I can almost feel his body heat being transferred to my body, filling me up from the outside in.

It only lasts for a few minutes before his body twitches violently. I glance at his face which looks twisted and in pain. I rub his arm softly and desperately whisper, "Shhh, Peeta, it's just a dream… It's just a dream… Shh…" My heart is pounding wildly, hoping, hoping he isn't going to have one of his spells where he wants to kill me..

He sits up quickly and turns to me, his pale blue eyes looking at me in a mix of anger and fear. "No." I whisper. "it's just me. Katniss. I won't hurt you. I'm your friend." His face loosens up slightly, but not completely. "You… You…" He says after jumping out of bed and pacing the floor. He calms down after a dozen strides.

"Okay." He says after sitting down. "Sorry" He mumbles and looks me in the eyes. Ah, there are those blue eyes I used to know so well. I let out a sigh of relief.

In the kitchen, Peeta starts to cook up a storm. My mouth is watering at the smell of pancakes, hash browns, and cut up fruit. We eat in a silence only interrupted by the sound of forks hitting the plates. Then, we clean up in the same silence. I can't help but notice, though, that it isn't an uncomfortable silence. It's like the kind we used to share when words weren't needed.

As I'm washing the dishes, I look out the little window and watch the sun rise slowly. In the distance I see people starting toward the Hob and children running around. As the world slowly puts itself together after the war, I feel like things inside this house could start slowly putting itself back together, too. It gives me a sense of hope.

"Katniss?" I turn around and see Peeta taking off his dirty apron and hanging it on its usual hook. "I want you to know that I…I'm really trying here. I really am. I want to be back to normal." It's silent for a moment as he rubs his forehead. "I don't know why I'm saying this." He smiles a shy smile.

"You were one of the strongest people I ever knew. The thing you wanted most was for the Capitol to not control you. So, I know you can pull yourself out of this. They can't control you, Peeta. They can't."

He walks over to me in two long strides and grabs me behind the neck, for a moment, I'm terrified he's about to hurt me. Instead, he pushes his lips to mine. The shock of this wears off after a few moments and the relief kicks in. I hadn't forgotten the feel of his lips on mine, but I never remembered it ever feeling this good.

He picks me up and sets me on the counter and I wrap my legs around him. His hands move around my body, traveling from my neck to my hips, pulling me closer to him. He rubs my upper thighs and I let out long sighs. I move my hands up and down his back and his torso, enjoying his strong muscles. Suddenly, I feel him effortlessly pick me up and bring me to his room. He gently lays me on the bed and then leans down on top of me and kisses me with more hunger.

In one quick motion he takes off his shirt and I gaze at his abs and chest. He sees me and smiles shyly. I take off my shirt to reveal my old, tattered bra I've had for years. I'm kind of embarrassed but he doesn't seem to mind. He kisses my stomach and works his way back up to my mouth. I shiver.

It feels so good to be with him again, that the idea of boundaries doesn't occur to me. In the heat of the moment I reach my hands down and start to undo his zipper and button. But, I wish I hadn't.

He jumps backwards and starts to breathe heavily and sits on the far corner of the bed with his head in his hands. His breathing is loud and alarming.

I inch away from him, knowing that he is about to strangle me or hurt me in some way. I hear him crying into his hands and whispering something to himself.

"Peeta.. Please… Peeta it's me.." I say. He is still crying but his breathing is slowing down.

"I'm not going to hurt you." I say and work up the courage to move closer to him.

"No, no." He says, picking his head up from his hands. "This isn't because of you."

I am confused, but I move closer and put my hand on his back anyways.

"You can tell me." I say, just above a whisper. He nods and takes a big breath.

"My mother." He says in a tone of pure disgust. "Did you ever know her?" he asks. I nod slightly. "She was an awful woman." He shakes his head and looks down for a while, focused on his hands. I rub his back and wait for him to go on.

"She.. She hit me, you know?" My mind flickers to his mother punishing him for giving me the burnt bread. I remember all the times he came to school with terrible bruises on his face and body. I nod again. "Well, she didn't just hit me." He inhales deeply, and exhales a shaky breath. "She raped me. Many times. Up until I was strong enough to defend myself. I haven't told anyone. She would beat me and tell me 'You'll get this and worse if you tell anyone'" He pauses while I think this over. I'm in shock. I knew his mother was an awful woman, but really? She would rape her own son?

"I.. I kind of blocked it out of my mind, you know. It was pushed away. But the Capitol found that memory in the back of my mind and used it to torture me.

"I just remembered it right there" he motions to the side of the bed where we were lying down. "I remembered all the things they did to me. It all just came back to me. Everything they did to me in the Capitol." He lets out a racked sob. I hug him tightly and let him cry. And cry. And cry. Eventually the crying stops, but he doesn't want to talk anymore. I get him to the top of the bed and tuck him in and make him some tea that he never drinks. I sit in the room with him as he stares at the wall. I rub his back with my hand and tell him everything is going to be all right. They can't hurt him now.

This goes on until the sun sets and the room goes dark. Peeta falls into a deep sleep and I sit awake, cursing the fallen Capitol, the rage inside of me boils up until it's the only thing I can feel. Many hours later after I finally settle down, I know that it can only go up from here. Peeta knows what happened in the Capitol. He knows, if he didn't before, that I'm not a mutt, and that the Capitol set that into his brain. I fall asleep, feeling angry and somehow hopeful. _The boy with the bread is coming back to me._ _The boy in the bread is coming back to me._ I repeat in my head until I'm fast asleep.

let me know how you like it :) its always appreciated 3


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